Humor
THINGS THAT MAKE ME LAUGH OR WONDER WHAT THEY WERE THINKING
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WILL ROGERS:
Never squat while wearing your spurs.
Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman – neither works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Always drink upstream from the heard.
If you find yourself in a hole – stop digging.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
There are three kinds of men:
- Ones that learn by reading –
- The few who learn by observing –
- The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
If you’re riding ahead of the hurd, take a look back now and then to make sure it’s still there.
Lettin’ the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started to roar. He kept at it until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull keep your mouth shut.
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POLITICS
It was so cold in Washington the other day I actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets. Will Rogers
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Snow White, Superman, Pinocchio
Snow White, Superman, and Pinocchio are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”
“I’m entering” says Snow White
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
“Well, how did you do?”
“First Places,” says Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.”
I’m entering,” says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him. “How did you make out?”
“First Place,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”
They continue walking when they see a sign: “Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?”
Pinocchio says, “This is mine.”
Half an hour later he returns with tears in his eyes.
“What happened?’ they ask.
“Who the hell is Donald Trump?” asks Pinocchio.
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PHILOSOPHY
Your Daily Moment of Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass … then things get worse .
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed
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ANDY ROONEY
Andy Rooney On Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.
Andy Rooney On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels…I write, “Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.”
Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) ‘Married’ (walk off). That’s how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, ‘How can he want me the way I look in the morning?’ It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% that say “I don’t know.” It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they’re voting “I don’t know.” “Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.”(Says Into Phone) “I DON’T KNOW!” (Hangs up looking proud.)
“Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about.” This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say “I’m not in the mood”.
Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen.’ You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is ‘share the love.’ Beep.” “Uh, yeah…this is the VD clinic calling…. Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.
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VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
Murphy O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me darlin’ wife!”
“Oh, Murph, that so beautiful,” said one of his barmates. That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
“Aye, did ye now, said Mary. And what might that toas bet?”
Murph raises a glass and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me darlin’ wife.”
“Oh, that’s very nice indeed, Murph.” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Murph’s barmates on her way to town.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “Murph won the prize at the pub the other night with a toast about you, Mary.”
“Aye, he told me, she said, and I was a bit surprised me self. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years.
“The first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him by both ears to get him to come.”
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SCARY/ODD
A man is walking home alone late one dark and foggy night.
As he passes a graveyard behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an casket banging its way down the middle of the street: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…
The caskets’ lid pops open: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… CLACK… CLACK… CLACK…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… CLACK… CLACK… CLACK…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
As he runs upstairs the casket crashes through the front door, with the lid of the casket still clapping: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… CLACK… CLACK… CLACK…
He runs into the bathroom, slams the door and locks it: His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… CLACK… CLACK…
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and the coffin stops